Wednesday, January 13, 2010

My Coming Out, Part Two. "Living A Lie"

This is something I wrote for my mother. Coming out is NEVER easy, needless to say writing this didnt make the process any easier, but I'm glad I could get my thoughts out effectively.

Living A Lie
How do I tell you my secrets?
How do I look you in the eye everyday and continue to live a lie?
How can I pretend that everything makes sense and that everything is ok, when its not.
You beautiful person, are my maker.
You should know me best.
You should know all the tears I cry.
You should know my fears. You should know when things just arent quite the same.
Look at me. Dont just look AT my hazel eyes. Look through them, all the way to my heart and soul.
Dont judge what I come off as.
Dont judge my decisions.
But remember ME.
Remember my character.
Remember how happy you are when I smile and Im at peace.
Remember my love for you.
One like no other.
I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to disappoint you. I never meant to make you feel as if you have failed me, because you havent.
But no longer can I look at you with a mask.
Yet, how can I tell you my secrets? How can I look you in the eye every damn day and continue to live a lie? "

My Coming Out, Part One.

This is old guys, I just was going through my stuff and decided to add everything I could find.

As we get older, we constantly get more exposed to new things. New Places. New People. New Feelings. Strange Feelings. An intriguing, kind, strong person was introduced to me. It was always an exciting time when we were together. Thoughts constantly raced through my head about “us”; or what could be. As time went on, I smiled, I laughed, I cried, I hurt like never before. The new and strange feelings began to overwhelm me. Slowly but surely I found myself always thinking about this person; their smell; their smile; the sound of their laugh. I wasn’t content. I was happy. There was a joy and glow about me that had never been there before. The fact that the feeling between the two of us was mutual was the most reassuring thing: my reassurance to blissfulness. Feelings of ecstasy and passion were strong, but feelings of compassion and delight were stronger. Seems perfect to have everything that you ever need and want in one individual. To have someone that knows how to satisfy you in every aspect of life. But we can’t feel this way about each other. What we have is unethical. Immoral. With that brings worry and concern. Inquiring eyes watch, lurk, and follow our every move. Everyone wants to know. Everyone wants to put a label on it. The people I love, family and friends, become “those people”. “Those people” who wonder: “Those people” who talk about you behind your back: “Those people” who are SUPPOSED to love you no matter what. Right? And as I know all of what we have is “wrong” in the eyes of the majority, but something deep down inside me is holding me back. Something has me attached and I can’t let go. Knowing that I’m supposed to have this perfect traditional lifestyle is not fulfilling any longer. No longer can I fit the mold “those people” want me to be. No longer can I continue to please “those people”. As the thoughts of what they might think cross my mind, I am torn between a place where I was comfortable being in and a place where I need to be: a happy place. So I sit here confused asking for forgiveness, but most importantly acceptance.

This Is For My Girlfriend, Hope She likes It lol

An age old tale of old fashioned love with a twist.
Who'd ever expect the school girl crush to blossom into this?
Within you I exist, with every breath and with every kiss;
There is always reassurance of euphoria and bliss,
I submit, every inch of my soul and spirit to you.
Risking everything I have because I know its true.
An infatuation once deemed so silly and insignificant,
Amounted to a devastating love; in the form of YOU an angel was sent.
We had no intent of falling this deep.
Once swimming in shallow waters of adolescent ways,
Hesitant to take this leap,
Now drowning in a sea of thoughts of praise.
Thanking God you were sent to me, because I knew I wasn't deserving of you.
Believing we were meant to be, considering myself BLESSED; not one of the lucky few.
What should I do, with this wonderfully crafted woman that stands before me?
Designed in every shape and form; true love's epitome.
Your body I will please, your secrets I will keep.
Your heart I will protect, always providing security.
When those tend to bring you down,
I'm never too far behind you standing proud.
Proud of you.
Proud of me.
Proud of everything we went through, to get to this point, we have succeeded.
At a glance I see my world within your eyes, Full of promise and old scars that have healed.
I lose myself in this tale that I fantasize, until I stop to realize its real.