Wednesday, January 13, 2010

My Coming Out, Part Two. "Living A Lie"

This is something I wrote for my mother. Coming out is NEVER easy, needless to say writing this didnt make the process any easier, but I'm glad I could get my thoughts out effectively.

Living A Lie
How do I tell you my secrets?
How do I look you in the eye everyday and continue to live a lie?
How can I pretend that everything makes sense and that everything is ok, when its not.
You beautiful person, are my maker.
You should know me best.
You should know all the tears I cry.
You should know my fears. You should know when things just arent quite the same.
Look at me. Dont just look AT my hazel eyes. Look through them, all the way to my heart and soul.
Dont judge what I come off as.
Dont judge my decisions.
But remember ME.
Remember my character.
Remember how happy you are when I smile and Im at peace.
Remember my love for you.
One like no other.
I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to disappoint you. I never meant to make you feel as if you have failed me, because you havent.
But no longer can I look at you with a mask.
Yet, how can I tell you my secrets? How can I look you in the eye every damn day and continue to live a lie? "

My Coming Out, Part One.

This is old guys, I just was going through my stuff and decided to add everything I could find.

As we get older, we constantly get more exposed to new things. New Places. New People. New Feelings. Strange Feelings. An intriguing, kind, strong person was introduced to me. It was always an exciting time when we were together. Thoughts constantly raced through my head about “us”; or what could be. As time went on, I smiled, I laughed, I cried, I hurt like never before. The new and strange feelings began to overwhelm me. Slowly but surely I found myself always thinking about this person; their smell; their smile; the sound of their laugh. I wasn’t content. I was happy. There was a joy and glow about me that had never been there before. The fact that the feeling between the two of us was mutual was the most reassuring thing: my reassurance to blissfulness. Feelings of ecstasy and passion were strong, but feelings of compassion and delight were stronger. Seems perfect to have everything that you ever need and want in one individual. To have someone that knows how to satisfy you in every aspect of life. But we can’t feel this way about each other. What we have is unethical. Immoral. With that brings worry and concern. Inquiring eyes watch, lurk, and follow our every move. Everyone wants to know. Everyone wants to put a label on it. The people I love, family and friends, become “those people”. “Those people” who wonder: “Those people” who talk about you behind your back: “Those people” who are SUPPOSED to love you no matter what. Right? And as I know all of what we have is “wrong” in the eyes of the majority, but something deep down inside me is holding me back. Something has me attached and I can’t let go. Knowing that I’m supposed to have this perfect traditional lifestyle is not fulfilling any longer. No longer can I fit the mold “those people” want me to be. No longer can I continue to please “those people”. As the thoughts of what they might think cross my mind, I am torn between a place where I was comfortable being in and a place where I need to be: a happy place. So I sit here confused asking for forgiveness, but most importantly acceptance.

This Is For My Girlfriend, Hope She likes It lol

An age old tale of old fashioned love with a twist.
Who'd ever expect the school girl crush to blossom into this?
Within you I exist, with every breath and with every kiss;
There is always reassurance of euphoria and bliss,
I submit, every inch of my soul and spirit to you.
Risking everything I have because I know its true.
An infatuation once deemed so silly and insignificant,
Amounted to a devastating love; in the form of YOU an angel was sent.
We had no intent of falling this deep.
Once swimming in shallow waters of adolescent ways,
Hesitant to take this leap,
Now drowning in a sea of thoughts of praise.
Thanking God you were sent to me, because I knew I wasn't deserving of you.
Believing we were meant to be, considering myself BLESSED; not one of the lucky few.
What should I do, with this wonderfully crafted woman that stands before me?
Designed in every shape and form; true love's epitome.
Your body I will please, your secrets I will keep.
Your heart I will protect, always providing security.
When those tend to bring you down,
I'm never too far behind you standing proud.
Proud of you.
Proud of me.
Proud of everything we went through, to get to this point, we have succeeded.
At a glance I see my world within your eyes, Full of promise and old scars that have healed.
I lose myself in this tale that I fantasize, until I stop to realize its real.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Just Like A Rose.

Once merely a seed,
We were something unthought of, uncreated;
yet often contemplated.
Just like a rose;
Planted with care, we wait to grow.
Neither of us know our potential,
Like water to a seed, its you I need: you're essential.
Staring into your eyes, I find my heart fertilized in the soil of your existence;
Infatuated by gentle strokes and tender kisses.
You swept me off my feet, planted deep in my garden,
my feelings harden.
Just like a rose,
we continue to grow;
As we emerge from the ground,
all the more weak I become to your touch, your smell, your sound.
We were radiant in color,
Our bond envied by others.
It was our prime season,
our beauty needed no reason.
Nights of crying, cuz our garden was tainted with weeds and dandelions.
Gripping with my life, my heart began to bleed.
Perhaps I was holding on too tight, Intrigued by your innermost perplexities.
Just like a rose,
I was pricked by the thorns of your past.
With reluctance I masked my desires of wanting this flower to last.
Slowly becoming drained of life and love; it withers to shrub.
The petals fall like the tears on my pillow;
Once a rose, now a weeping willow.
Like a broken heart, fragile and frail;
I keep its remains, every stem has a joyous story to tell.
Never regretting letting you plant your seed in my soul,
But love comes and goes........just like a rose.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Friends: Trust or Lust.

Now, I know everybody has what they like to call "friends". But personally I believe that the title "a friend" has more categories underneath it.
So, here is my friend classification list:
-Best Friends: This usually consists of people who you've known for years, probably childhood. Most of the time you all act like siblings rather than just simply friends.
-Close Friends: These are the people who you are close with but you don't necessarily want to give up your life for them.
-Friends with Benefits: I really dont think that needs explanation lol.
-Associates: Typically the people who you see from time to time, exchange greetings, a joke or two and so forth, but nine times outta ten you probably dont even know something as simple as what their favorite color is.
NOW THE BIG ONE..."A Friend": Personally, I feel as though "a friend" is a person who you might actually have a friendship with, BUT either you wonder from time to time what it would be like if you were with them or debate whether your crushin on them most likely you are gonna refer to this person as "a friend."
Lemme clarify what I mean when I say a friend. If you two plan on attending something as simple as the movies, alone yet friendly, and your girlfriend or boyfriend calls you to ask you what your doing tonight and you say, "Hanging out with a friend" rather than "Yeah me && my son bout to hit up the movies or sumthin, tryna come?" then most likely you are subconciously crushing on them. You may beg to differ but like I said earlier, this is my own PERSONAL opinion.
But what defines a good friendship from an innocent crush? In some instances its a very fine line that distinguishes the two. Which brings me to Trust or Lust. Do you ACTUALLY trust this person with your innermost thoughts && personal well-being or do you believe that sharing these intimate details will increase the chances of actual intimacy? I've been at a mental war with myself for the past few months, battling whether I am TOO comfortable with a person I consider "a friend" to the point that mind my begins to unconciously wonder about not so "friendlike" things. Or perhaps its just human nature? Perhaps its natural for human beings to relate the two intimacies together. Do you risk the already established friendship to act out on alternative feelings for clarification between the two, or do you simply contain your inimate thoughts about the person in hopes that all will pass over and things will continue as normal? As if making friends and keeping them isnt complicated enough already, an internal conflict of trust and lust can begin to take a major toll on you. Undoubtedly, my questions will never have a valid answer, BUT it wouldnt help to let me know what YOU think.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Five in Morning.

One night I was definitely bored && decided to write this. Just read and enjoy.

Five in the Morning...Lonely..Feel Like Its Been A Year.Wanting...Waiting...Wishing you were here.
As I lay, I yearn for you body--Envisioning you on top of me.
With your mouth, its me you slowly undress.
Skin on Skin. Face to Face. Breast to Breast.
I close my eyes as our lips touch....Overwhelming feelings of ecstacy and passion become too much.
Whispering, "Baby stop teasin me. Hurry up and Please me"
I shiver as your finger tips graze my lips, my hips, right down to my ----.
As you caress my inner thighs, slip dem fingers inside.
Anticipating your next move, drippin wet, look me in my eyes.
Our senses are erected, feels like our souls are connected.
Watch me Wind.
We Slow Grind.
U seeking to find what entices me most.
Addicted to the way your tongue massages and strokes.
Addicted to this captivating urge, I want you face emerged--
Inbetween me, on the verge of a climax.
Shaking and pulsating, every sensation reminds me how much I [LOVE] our sex.
Reminds me of how much I need to keep her.
Wanting you as close as possible, thas why I scream "Deeper, baby DEEPER."
The obsession in your eyes tells me you want me just as much as I want you.
Lose control, tell me what you want me to do.
Dont be shy, speak up--
I like the way u beat it up--
Baby lay down, its MY turn, let me eat it up.
Im fluent in your body language, position changes
lemme hear you scream.
lemme hear you moan.
damn i hate when you leave me all alone.