Wednesday, January 13, 2010

My Coming Out, Part One.

This is old guys, I just was going through my stuff and decided to add everything I could find.

As we get older, we constantly get more exposed to new things. New Places. New People. New Feelings. Strange Feelings. An intriguing, kind, strong person was introduced to me. It was always an exciting time when we were together. Thoughts constantly raced through my head about “us”; or what could be. As time went on, I smiled, I laughed, I cried, I hurt like never before. The new and strange feelings began to overwhelm me. Slowly but surely I found myself always thinking about this person; their smell; their smile; the sound of their laugh. I wasn’t content. I was happy. There was a joy and glow about me that had never been there before. The fact that the feeling between the two of us was mutual was the most reassuring thing: my reassurance to blissfulness. Feelings of ecstasy and passion were strong, but feelings of compassion and delight were stronger. Seems perfect to have everything that you ever need and want in one individual. To have someone that knows how to satisfy you in every aspect of life. But we can’t feel this way about each other. What we have is unethical. Immoral. With that brings worry and concern. Inquiring eyes watch, lurk, and follow our every move. Everyone wants to know. Everyone wants to put a label on it. The people I love, family and friends, become “those people”. “Those people” who wonder: “Those people” who talk about you behind your back: “Those people” who are SUPPOSED to love you no matter what. Right? And as I know all of what we have is “wrong” in the eyes of the majority, but something deep down inside me is holding me back. Something has me attached and I can’t let go. Knowing that I’m supposed to have this perfect traditional lifestyle is not fulfilling any longer. No longer can I fit the mold “those people” want me to be. No longer can I continue to please “those people”. As the thoughts of what they might think cross my mind, I am torn between a place where I was comfortable being in and a place where I need to be: a happy place. So I sit here confused asking for forgiveness, but most importantly acceptance.

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